March 17, 2006
I talked w/ my friend on the cell last night. It was cool. I think he is growing up. But our talk made me realize that there’s a lot more to do, but we’re growing older fast. Thinking about the future throws me so off-balance. I shouldn’t do it, but it’s tempting.
I just don’t want to be stuck where I am. You know, I really want to travel. I want to see the world, and I want to do something meaningful. I don’t know my future, or what I’d do with this major, but I’m in it. You’d make a way, won’t You Lord? My dream job is a stay at home mom/author. I really want to be an author, but it’s hard to write a book. It’s really really hard, and I don’t know if I have the skills to do so.
I’m participating in (in)Courage’s Bloom book study on Let’s All Be Brave by Annie F. Downs. Annie talked about “burning ships,” this story of some settlers who burned their ships so they couldn’t go back to their countries but have to move forward in the new land. It’s the idea of no turning back and moving forward.
I love traveling, even if I don’t get to do it often. I think it’s because I was a reader as a little girl, and I had adventures in different places, cultures, and time periods. I would gladly get on a ship and go on an adventure with you. And I would gladly burn that ship if it meant more adventures in a strange new exciting land. We could always build another ship to explore more lands.
To be stuck where I am scares me. To be stuck in the comfortably familiar is uncomfortable to me. It makes me feel like I have achieved nothing.
So move, right? Like Annie, move to my version of Nashville or Edinburgh. Except, that’s not my brave.
Annie talks about our own “brave,” that thing that God has called us to do or is asking of us that is sapping up all our guts and courage. It’s different for each one of us, and my brave right now is to stay. Stay where I am.
That would freeze me in fear back in 2006 or even just a couple of years ago. It’s only recently that I’m realizing that there are adventures where I am. There are things to be done where I am. There is a world where I am that God could use me for especially since I’m already here.
It’s not being stuck. I guess I felt that way because I didn’t feel like I’ve ever boarded a ship, set sail to a new land, and set that ship on fire. Instead, I felt like I never got a boarding pass and the maiden voyage left me behind.
My perspective is changing, I thank the Lord. He makes a way for His will to happen, and a way to use me for His purposes. God can use me exactly where I am. I just have to be brave enough to follow His plans.
And yes, writing a book (being an author, being a writer) is really very hard and there are times I still wonder if I have what it takes, but I’m doing it anyway.
If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends) “Am I really a writer? Am I really an artist?” Chances are you are. The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death. – Steven Pressfield, The War of Art