Warning: In this diary entry that I found, I used some words that others might find offensive. I apologize, but I’m not editing them out (just as I don’t edit the grammatical and spelling mistakes) because I set out to be as honest with you in sharing these diary entries as I was honest to myself when I wrote them many years ago. I only edit out identifiers (names and paragraphs with personal information that might compromise my family’s and my privacy).
Dec. 24, 1999
Okay, it’s Christmas eve & so far, things suck. It’s the last Christmas of the Millenium & we have no tree…again. Plus, everyone’s been pissing me off. I’m cursing a lot too…very bad. I haven’t been praying…tremendously bad. I haven’t been reading the bible…to the extreme bad. And that. I have to turn my ways, NOW.
And oh, yeah. I’m in da car w/ Papa & my sisters driving to the hospital to get a blood draw…on Christmas eve. Can you say SUCK. We’re going down…Papa’s regestiring us…I’m hungry, too, bec. we can’t eat before blood draw. It’s too early to be in the hospital, but when I said that a while ago, I remembered people, kids actualy, who have to stay in the hospital, very sad.
Okay, update on me. In the car again. Done w/ the blood draw. Okay. I’m 14 and in high school. A freshman. I work at Camp. We’re in training now, but we’re youth counselors. I’m still in piano. In fact, I have to memorize 14 pieces for the guild, but it counts as 15 pieces (international) because one piece has 2 movements.
I’m actually not sure where to go from here. This diary entry is loaded, like how I love Christmas and it saddened me not to have a tree. Like how guilty I make myself feel (I still do that, but I’m trying not to). How I remembered kids stuck in hospitals (because I was one of those kids). How I was good at piano, but I never realized it until I stopped.
And how I got my first job at 14 years old. I was paid $5.75 an hour in this after school program. That was a junction in my life.
I wanted to volunteer for the children’s ministry at my church, but the director said I didn’t have experience (fun fact, the director was my mom). At the same time, my high school had a community service requirement.
I wanted to kill two birds with one stone, so I looked for a volunteer opportunity working with children through my school so it would count as my community service and give me the experience I need for the children’s ministry. I found only one opportunity, Camp (it’s not the entire name of the program, but we’ll stick to it).
But Camp was a job. Determined, I asked the recruiter if I can volunteer instead of apply. He said yes.
At the same time, all freshmen were evaluated for Track & Field events. The coach recruited me for sprints.
Then the job said they couldn’t let me be a volunteer, but they wanted to offer me a paid position.
That was my junction. I had a job offer and a sports offer. I couldn’t do both because they took up the same after school hours. If I did either one, it was added commitment. I was already in piano, and I still needed community service hours.
I took the job. Mainly because I didn’t think I was good enough of a sprinter. I put off the community service thinking I can do it another time. Plus, the job gave me the experience to volunteer for children’s ministry (which the school refused to count as community service).
Sometimes I wonder what would have happen if I chose sports. Would I ever have joined the children’s ministry? And if I didn’t, would God have called me into the ministry? Or perhaps, how would He have called me into the ministry. Or what ministry would He have called me into, if any at all?
I don’t know, but I know that as His child, I am in God’s more than capable hands. Our choices say yes to one thing and no to another, and we can’t always undo or reverse them. Sometimes we get it right and other times we get it wrong. But if we continue to keep making the most important choice – saying yes to God – I know that we are on the right track.