Fake It 'Till You Make It

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I want to share with you my story, but first things first:

I’m not a physician. If you’re suffering from a mental illness, please see your doctor.
I hope my story can help someone else feel less alone, be motivated to seek help, or to be more understanding of people who suffer from mental illness.
There’s a lot to be said so I’m not going to pour it all out in one post. Please come back and finish the story with me.

I always thought people who suffer from Depression were easy to spot. They wore dark clothing to reflect their mood. They were always sad. They were always negative. They had no friends, didn’t go out, and failed at everything.

Some of these might be true, but they’re not always true and doesn’t always apply to everyone with Depression. They didn’t for me. I was negative. I was persistently “sad.” Every Sunday, I would hightail it out of church because I didn’t want to interact with anybody. But I didn’t fail at everything. I went out with friends. I had fun. I laughed. I encouraged others. But I also faked it ’till I made it.

Most of the high points were facades. Someone recently asked, “What is joy?” I was taught that joy didn’t change. While happiness was temporary depending on your mood, joy was always there because joy was from God. So what did it mean when I didn’t feel any joy? While I had moments of laughter and fun – moment of happiness, they were indeed temporary. I looked for joy and didn’t find it. What did that mean for me and my salvation? What did it say about my relationship with God?

I was also taught that JOY is an acronym of putting Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last. What does it mean when I did that yet still found no joy? When I failed even and especially when I tried harder?

So I faked it ’till I made it. Sometimes, faking it is how I made it through a day. Convincing myself and others that I was fine made whatever burden I carried lighter because I didn’t have to answer questions, face confrontations, or explain to others what I couldn’t explain to myself.

But faking it only takes you so far. It’s like putting a band-aid where you need stitches. Solving the symptoms instead of the disease. Running away from your problems, which catch up to you eventually. It’s a coping mechanism – a very temporary will-fail-you-eventually coping mechanism.

Which is why it’s important to speak up. For those of us who survived, for those fighting to survive, for those fighting in behalf of the survival of others. Sometimes we just need to call BS. We need to call out the lies, the hiding, and the running. We need to call out the facades and fake smiles.

We need to say, “No you’re not okay. I’m taking you to a doctor.” Whether that’s to ourselves or someone else. We can’t be afraid to act like we know better, and we can’t be afraid of the mess we’re getting ourselves into.

Mental health is a battle. No, it’s a war. To keep it. Save it. Prolong it. To heal. To find joy. To find peace.