Hillary Scott sang, “I’m so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear. So I followed through. Somehow I ended up here. I don’t wanna think. I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray, all I’ve got is hurt and these four words. Thy will be done” (Thy Will by Hillary Scott & The Scott Family).
When 2018 started, the word “brave” popped up all around me. I chose it for my one word and I wrote,
How will this word stretch me? Change me? Move me? What is that one brave thing I need to do? To this day, I don’t have an answer, but I’m finally okay with that because life throws enough curveballs. I don’t need to throw some at myself. My one brave thing is to face those curveballs without breaking down like I tend to do. (One Brave Thing)
Do you want to know how many times I’ve broken down this year? And it’s only August. I’m typing this under the umbrella of Starbuck’s outside patio, struggling not to cry, and listening to Thy Will and Hillary Scott’s strong reminder, “I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me. Goodness you have in store.”
My one brave thing, it turns out, is diabetes.
Face it. Deal with it. Manage it. Heal from it. Is that even possible? I don’t yet have the words to describe my relationship with it. I just know that I don’t want it, but I have it, and because of it, I prick my fingers every day and I take a bunch of medications that include one weekly self-injection. And the kicker? It’s not just diabetes. It’s asthma, high cholesterol, and a week-long stay in the hospital for pyelonephritis, a big word for acute and severe kidney infection.
Brave. Who? Me?
If God had led me to a new job, to relocate, or to serve in a desolate mission field, I would have gone like Ruth. Where you go, Lord, I will go. But that’s the thing, though, isn’t it? Any of those things scare me, but I also know that if it’s a directive from God, He’ll make a way and I’ll be ready. And you know what, part of me wanted my brave thing this year to be any of those things. To go where He goes because I’ve done a brave thing already. I’ve stayed.
Where you stay, Lord, I will stay. And I’ve stayed where it was broken and painful. I’ve stayed where it was dark until I saw His light. Until I saw God bring it full circle. Until I saw His redemption work. I did a brave thing by staying and saw God at work. So part of me wanted, hoped, and wished that this year, part of the thing that brave will require of me was to go. It will be scary and I would cry, but I will pack my bags and go.
The one thing I didn’t think I had to be brave for was my health.
Since I was a little girl, I was never the healthiest person. My asthma affects my daily life to this day. It’s that bad, but I’ve lived with it since I could remember. I’ve never had a normal that didn’t have asthma in it. It has always been part of my story. So when earlier this year, I called my doctor for an inhaler prescription refill, I didn’t suspect anything when she asked to see me for an annual checkup before she could refill my prescription. After all, I already knew what my health issues were, or so I thought. Here was what happened.
February: My doctor requested a blood panel test
March: Doctor told me I had high cholesterol and diabetes, and put me on medications
April-May: I took the meds, changed my diet, and started walking almost daily for exercise
June: Doctor requested a second blood panel test, results came back with uncontrolled blood sugar. I was told to see an endocrinologist, but before I could…
July: I was admitted to the hospital for severe and acute kidney infection. I saw the endocrinologist after I was released and she prescribed more/stronger meds and a blood sugar monitor. I started pricking my fingers everyday.
August: I saw the endocrinologist again. Today. She replaced one of my meds in pill form to a weekly injection. Good news is that it’s not insulin, and it’s only once a week. The bad news?
That prayer I cried out to God many times – the one where I won’t have to inject myself because of diabetes – His answer was no.
I know you’re good but this don’t feel good right now
And I know you think of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy, distracted by all the noise
Just trying to make sense of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you’re God and I am not
(Thy Will, Hillary Scott)
I told you I’m listening to this song. On repeat. It’s that necessary. It actually played on the radio as I pulled into Starbucks to write a post on being brave with diabetes. I know enough to recognize God at work. He does that to me. Something else He did today?
This morning, I listened to the Cross Point Church podcast during my walk. Annie F. Downs preached about the 7 years it took for Solomon to build the temple of God. She asked what we’ve built that took 7 years. What we’re building now. As I shivered in my shorts because it turned out to be an unusually cold summer morning in California, I knew I was building my health. A few hours later, my endocrinologist put me on a weekly injection medicine. An hour later, I was crying in my car outside of Starbucks when Hillary Scott sang, “Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be done.”
God knew what this particular day would bring, and what brave would have to look like for me. This year, brave looks like facing health issues that continues to rock as my world, but God reminds me that He is a more solid rock on which I stand.
